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6 Ways NOT to Get Laid this Valentine’s Day (and one sure-fire way to Get It On)

Posted: February 5th, 2013 Comment...

1. The Daddle

daddle-dad-saddle

Nothing against the Daddle – this is a great Father’s Day gift. But if you give it to your man, you’re probably hoping he’ll think you’re kinky and undress you right there, amiright? You know who’s not right? You. You’re an idiot if you think your man is going to be turned on by a gift that both domesticates him like a barnyard animal and also evokes friendly feelings of children. Neither of these things are sexy. Don’t do it. Just get him a Giant Swiss Army Knife or something else “manly.”

 

2. 1500 Ladybugs

1500-lady-bugs

As a survivor of the Connecticut Ladybug Plague of 1999, let me tell you this: “Ohmigod they’re so pretty!!!” quickly turns into attack of the creepy killer red bugs that are on your ceiling above your bed and you’ll never sleep soundly again. At least, I don’t. Unless you plan on making love to a thorny rose* this Valentine’s Day, don’t do it.

*Ladybugs kill aphids. Roses hate aphids. True facts.

 

3. Horse Head Pillow

horse-head-pillow-kropserkel

Let’s be honest, you’d never sleep with someone who didn’t also love The Godfather. Not loving The Godfather is the worst kind of blasphemy. So, I get it. This year, you’re going to go ironic chic for Valentine’s Day and get your special someone a gruesome reminder of their good taste in film to show them you’re the kind of guy or gal who thinks outside the commercially-packaged sweetheart box. Well, good on you. But, you’re not getting laid. You’re also probably going to have to find a new lover, because, let’s be honest – putting a bloody horse head in the bed (stuffed or otherwise) is just not one of those things you can take back. Better luck next time.

 

4. Custom Face Pillows

face-pillow

Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re that good looking. Buy some flowers, and call it a day.

 

5. Bacon Candle

bacon-candle

What a thoughtful gift for your bacon-loving lover! Great idea! Well…it was a great idea, until the overwhelming bacon scent that filled your house made you so ravenously hungry that you stuffed your face with all kinds of disgusting (but delicious…but disgusting) foods and now you’re in a food coma and you’re also about fifteen pounds heavier than you were this morning, and the very last — I tell you, the VERY last — thing you want to do right now is get naked and do the horizontal hula. No, sir. No, ma’am.

 

6. Hot Guys Baby Animals Calendar

hot-guys-and-baby-animals-calendar-2013

Sure, go ahead and get this for her if you really feel like reminding her what a winning smile, a six-pack, and defined cheekbones look like. It’s true that no girl can resist the potent combination of hot guys and baby animals. It’s our kryptonite. You, however, are not kryptonite, and you’re likely not irresistible either. You give her this, and you only have yourself to blame when she feigns a headache and asks for some “quiet time” in bed…with the calendar.

 

…so now you’re all out of ideas and the big smoochie day is coming up quickly. I’ve got you covered. No matter who you are, where you are, or what you like there is one gift this Valentine’s Day that’ll GUARANTEE success (if success means getting naked). Here you go, friends. I love you, too.

THE WINNER IS….

Sparkling Vodka & Chocolate Dice

sparkling vodka + chocolate-dice

Pour the vodka into your nicest champagne glasses. Throw in a strawberry, because you’re fancy and thoughtful. Make up a silly numbers game that involves stripping. (Here’s one: take off an item of clothing every time you roll an odd number.) The first person to get naked gets to eat the chocolate. EVERYONE WINS!!!

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10 Gifts for Your Favorite Drunk

Posted: December 5th, 2012 Comment...

Just as there’s always the one asshole we have to buy a gift for around the holidays, there’s always at least one raging (or moping) alcoholic to contend with. Maybe there are several. Maybe one of them is you. Yeah, that’s right, I see you. I know who you are.*

Luckily, we here at MeWanty! have you covered. We take a lot of pride in the fact that our site is a veritable treasure chest for dedicated drinkers. But in case you’re looking for the very best of the best, the creme de la creme…well, here you go.

10 Gifts for Your Favorite Drunk

1. Wine Rack Bra ($29.95) – Is that a D cup or are you just about to be very drunk?

2. Shot Glass Roulette ($17.44) – The most dangerous drinking game.

Shot Glass Roulette

3. Sparkling Vodka ($24.19) – Vodka soda, minus the soda.

sparkling vodka

4. Beer Belly Flask ($29.95) – Sure, you’ve got a six pack under your “beer belly.” Sure.

beer belly flask

5. Radio Controlled Cooler ($79.99) – You lazy son of a….drunk.

Radio Control Cooler

6. Golf Club Drink Dispenser ($39.95) – Booze will ease the pain of that terrible round.

Golf Club Drink Dispenser

7. Boxed Wine Bag ($62.95) – Classy or trashy? This could really go either way.

Boxed Wine Bag

8. Alcohol Excuse Flask ($20) – Can’t argue with that…

Alcohol Excuse Flask

9. Spike Your Juice Kit ($29.73) – Because true drinkers can make booze out of anything.

10. Heavy Drinker Vitamins ($39.95) – The perfect gift for the responsible binge drinker.

Vitamin for Heavy drinkers

 

BONUS!! Stocking Stuffer: Keychain Flask ($3.95) – Good luck explaining this one when the cop pulls you over.

 

*Alcoholism is a very real and serious disease, and there’s a fine line between a joke and a problem. If you don’t know which side of that line you’re on, it’s the wrong one. Get some help, asshole.

 

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15 Gifts for the Asshole in Your Life

Posted: November 27th, 2012 Comment...

There’s always at least one asshole on your list when the holidays roll around. The passive aggressive coworker. Your cranky uncle. That dickwad that your sister married.

It’s tough to find a gift that walks the fine line of thoughtful and insulting. This year, we’ve got you covered.

15 Gifts for the Asshole in Your Life

1. Magical Unicorn Mask ($39.99) Nothing is going to make you happier than watching some asshole try this on.

 

2. WTF Stamp ($8.99) They think they’re in on the joke.

 

3. Meat Straws ($22.95) Theoretically delicious, but actually disgusting.

Meat Straws

 

4. Horse Head Pillow ($45)  A threat you can cuddle with.

 

5. Sushi Cologne ($6) Something smells fishy.

6. 1500 Ladybugs ($17.99)  The creepiest gift for your favorite gardener.

 

7. Handerpants ($11.12) These are just the right level of inappropriate.

Underwear gloves

 

8. Misfortune Cookies ($7.99) A joke that’s not really a joke.

Misfortune Cookies

 

9. Sauna Pants ($33.54) A cleverly disguised torture device, and passive aggressive insult at the same time!

Sauna Pants

 

10. D-Bag Magnetic Poetry ($12.99) Give these to your favorite D-Bag.

Douchebag poetry

 

11. Tank Wheelchair ($9,300) For the asshole you kind of like.

 

12. Shredded US Dollars ($45) They see green, but you know it’s just a big bag of shredded paper.

Shredded US Currency

 

13. American Flag Vest ($14.99) Redneck approved.

 

14. Horse Mask and Jacket ($40.38) Delightful! Neigh!

 

15. Smoked Salmon Vodka ($29.99) Artisan vodka to make them artisan vomit.

Smoked Salmon Vodka

 

Happy Holidays from the MeWanty.net team!!! 

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Win a Brand New Deluxe Arm Pillo!!

Posted: August 27th, 2012 Comment...

Our first giveaway went so well, that we’re holding another one! But this time, there will be TWO winners!

This time, we’re giving away another of MeWanty’s most popular items on the site, the Deluxe Arm Pillo, graciously donated by the creator of the Arm Pillo. The new version of a Me Wanty favorite – the Original Arm Pillo – is even softer and fuzzier than before. And don’t forget – there’s TWO of them! One blue, one pink – both of them ultra-soft and cuddly.

We’ve got TWO to give away, and you’ve got TWO weeks to win one. Twice the loot means twice the chance to win!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Enter for your chance to win by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, and/or letting us know a few things about what you like here on the site. You can even win a bonus entry by liking Arm Pillo on Facebook!

Just a quick note on entries — please be honest! If you win, we will be checking to make sure any task you took credit for (liking us on Facebook/Tweeting about the giveaway/etc.) was actually completed.

Entries will close just after midnight (EST) on Monday, September 10th. A winner will be drawn at random, and will be notified by email within 24 hours.

View detailed additional rules that apply to this sweepstakes.

Good luck!

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Win a Wine Rack Bra!

Posted: July 28th, 2012 Comment...

You asked, we listened! Okay, so nobody specifically asked for free things but we figured you wouldn’t look a gift horse in the chest *er* mouth. Right?

Without further ado, welcome to MeWanty.net’s first giveaway! We hope it will be the first of many – a way to show our appreciation to you guys for being so awesome. We racked (pun intended) our brains trying to figure out the best product to giveaway, and figured we couldn’t go wrong with one of our most popular items ever, the Wine Rack Bra!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Enter for your chance to win by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, and/or letting us know a few things about what you like here on the site.

Just a quick note on entries — please be honest! If you win, we will be checking to make sure any task you took credit for (liking us on Facebook/Tweeting about the giveaway/etc.) was actually completed.

Entries will close just after midnight (EST) on Sunday August 5th. A winner will be drawn at random, and will be notified by email within 24 hours. If you win, you’ll get a chance to tell us which size you’d like.

View detailed additional rules that apply to this sweepstakes.

Good luck!

 

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About the Blog

Posted: July 27th, 2012 Comment...

So, what is this blog? It’s our place to let people know what’s going on, and to post things that don’t make sense posted on our main product page. The blog started quite a while ago, but was never fully implemented (as you can see by the one post below from a few months ago). That’s all about to change. We’ve got a lot of exciting things coming up and, if all goes well, we’ll actually be updating the blog with some regularity.

We’d like to thank everyone who has checked out the site. We really appreciate the feedback. We’ve gotten some great emails, tweets, and suggestions. As of now, the site has had nearly 1.9 million pageviews. With an average visit duration of 4:17.

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Welcome to Me Wanty!

Posted: February 17th, 2012 Comment...

It’s been a crazy first couple weeks. Already we’ve had over 100,000 unique visitors to MeWanty.net! We hope you like the site. We’ll be using the blog to keep you updated about the site.

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