6 Ways NOT to Get Laid this Valentine’s Day (and one sure-fire way to Get It On)

Posted: February 5th, 2013

1. The Daddle


Nothing against the Daddle – this is a great Father’s Day gift. But if you give it to your man, you’re probably hoping he’ll think you’re kinky and undress you right there, amiright? You know who’s not right? You. You’re an idiot if you think your man is going to be turned on by a gift that both domesticates him like a barnyard animal and also evokes friendly feelings of children. Neither of these things are sexy. Don’t do it. Just get him a Giant Swiss Army Knife or something else “manly.”


2. 1500 Ladybugs


As a survivor of the Connecticut Ladybug Plague of 1999, let me tell you this: “Ohmigod they’re so pretty!!!” quickly turns into attack of the creepy killer red bugs that are on your ceiling above your bed and you’ll never sleep soundly again. At least, I don’t. Unless you plan on making love to a thorny rose* this Valentine’s Day, don’t do it.

*Ladybugs kill aphids. Roses hate aphids. True facts.


3. Horse Head Pillow


Let’s be honest, you’d never sleep with someone who didn’t also love The Godfather. Not loving The Godfather is the worst kind of blasphemy. So, I get it. This year, you’re going to go ironic chic for Valentine’s Day and get your special someone a gruesome reminder of their good taste in film to show them you’re the kind of guy or gal who thinks outside the commercially-packaged sweetheart box. Well, good on you. But, you’re not getting laid. You’re also probably going to have to find a new lover, because, let’s be honest – putting a bloody horse head in the bed (stuffed or otherwise) is just not one of those things you can take back. Better luck next time.


4. Custom Face Pillows


Don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re that good looking. Buy some flowers, and call it a day.


5. Bacon Candle


What a thoughtful gift for your bacon-loving lover! Great idea! Well…it was a great idea, until the overwhelming bacon scent that filled your house made you so ravenously hungry that you stuffed your face with all kinds of disgusting (but delicious…but disgusting) foods and now you’re in a food coma and you’re also about fifteen pounds heavier than you were this morning, and the very last — I tell you, the VERY last — thing you want to do right now is get naked and do the horizontal hula. No, sir. No, ma’am.


6. Hot Guys Baby Animals Calendar


Sure, go ahead and get this for her if you really feel like reminding her what a winning smile, a six-pack, and defined cheekbones look like. It’s true that no girl can resist the potent combination of hot guys and baby animals. It’s our kryptonite. You, however, are not kryptonite, and you’re likely not irresistible either. You give her this, and you only have yourself to blame when she feigns a headache and asks for some “quiet time” in bed…with the calendar.


…so now you’re all out of ideas and the big smoochie day is coming up quickly. I’ve got you covered. No matter who you are, where you are, or what you like there is one gift this Valentine’s Day that’ll GUARANTEE success (if success means getting naked). Here you go, friends. I love you, too.


Sparkling Vodka & Chocolate Dice

sparkling vodka + chocolate-dice

Pour the vodka into your nicest champagne glasses. Throw in a strawberry, because you’re fancy and thoughtful. Make up a silly numbers game that involves stripping. (Here’s one: take off an item of clothing every time you roll an odd number.) The first person to get naked gets to eat the chocolate. EVERYONE WINS!!!